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Day 17 – Love Promotes Intimacy February 8, 2010

Posted by poetiscian in love.
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Love is or it ain’t.  Thin love ain’t love at all.

Toni Morrison

As she lay shattered in your pool of words, do you take pride in knowing that she is losing this verbal battle? Instead of helping her to her feet, you shove a few more hurtful words at her hemorrhaging body, only to further wound her fragile ego. Then you leave the room; leave her to content with the pain that you have just inflicted.  That is how you show love. Then you wonder days later why you can’t get her to fully take part in any type of intimate behavior.  She can barely stand the sight of you. You on the other hand don’t have a clue about what is wrong.  I mean, don’t you usually throw her past in her face to get her to see your point.

Private thoughts entrusted to you.  You were only trying to get her to see your point of view. Well, that is how you justified your rude and unwarranted behavior.  In actuality, you further severed if not destroyed the already weakened relationship. Barely standing, it is now damn near destroyed. What do you do know. It is time to turn towards to God. For surely you had stepped away because love does not destroy with words, it heals.

Your partner should always be able to feel safe when in your presence.  That is what a committed relationship is all about – able to lay your worries and concerns down and not feel threatened that they will be used against you.  Your partner should be able to trust you completely, and you in turn should be able to make them feel safe. A marriage should not be a day-to-day walk on eggshells, but a refuge when daily routines have gotten the best of us.

Be a safe-haven to all of your relationships. Take every opportunity to listen and be attentive when the people that you love need you the most. Use your words not as weapons, but as a source for healing. Once you do as God so wants, then you will be able to enjoy the full intimacy that comes from loving.

A few critical thoughts:
Don’t lecture or criticize, be gentle.  Determine to guard your mate’s secrets and to pray for them. Make your partner feel safe. There should be freedom within marriage. Mate should not be pressured to feel perfect.

Biblical Verse(s):
Proverbs 17:9 – He who covers over an offense promotes love, but whoever repeats the matter separates close friends.
1st John 4:18 – There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love.
Revelations 3:20 – Behold, I stand at the door, and knock: if any man hear my voice, and open the door, I will come in to him, and will sup with him, and he with me.

Resources: The Love Dare by Stephen Kendrick and Alex Kendrick
Featured Bloggist: A Safe Relationship by Harry L. “Justin” Kirk

Determine to guard your mate’s secretes (unless they are dangerous to them or you) and to pray for them.  Talk with your spouse, and resolve to demonstrate love in spite of these issues.  Really listen to them when they share personal thoughts and struggles with you.  Make them feel safe.

Q: Do you do more of the talking than listening in your relationships with those that you love?

Have a blessed day, I love you!



1. hkirk - February 9, 2010

It is amazing how we can sometimes talk so callously to our loved ones, as if it is okay since they “love” us, right? We will be perfectly polite to a stranger and then dump our days frustrations on someone we “love.” Have I done this? Yes. In the past until I learned that words sting and cut and bruise. I knew that, but somehow it was different. I learned quickly it isn’t different. I do my best to listen, to understand, to ask questions and more importantly, repeat back what I think I am hearing so that I know and s/he knows that I understand.
Sometimes, it is good to just say, “I have to vent, can I just talk about this and get it off my chest?” This way the other person doesn’t feel like they are being attacked. I know I appreciate it when someone tells me, “Hey, I just want you to listen.”
It is important that your partner feel safe with you. My mission now is to build safe relationships to teach people that they are valuable and lovable. It requires honesty and trust. It requires me to be authentic and dependable. And with that love grows intimacy and emotionally safety.
As for your experiences, we tend to give up our rights to joy because we fear the pain. It doesn’t make sense – logically – but we have that emotional reaction. Hopefully, there is someone who will see through the pain and stand by and wait, and knock until you answer – someone who has the heart of God.
Thanks for the blog and adding my site to your blogroll. God bless you. With much love I wish you happiness and abundance.

Dawn - February 10, 2010

I paid the bills, took care of the house, did homework with the kids, and was the partner that one could depend on to just get stuff done.

But was I the partner whom they felt their safest? No! Can’t really explain it, just know that I wasn’t. As we learn, we mature – we grow. I did not do this in the past, however, each day brings a new opportunity.

I have realized that people often want you to change to make them feel comfortable, but they are not too willing to do the same for you. What do you do when this person is your wife/husband/partner/loved on – when they can’t see how their behavior needs some modification too?

Then they walk away after only putting in part-time work? How do you heal? I am in constant prayer…

hkirk - February 10, 2010

I had a relationship like that. I did my very best to make that person happy and eventually realized that you can’t and don’t make people happy. Happiness is their choice. You can only create an environment and situation where it is easy for them to choose to be happy, and if they still choose to be unhappy, it just might be beyond your reach. I had to let that person go. However I was lacking, whatever their ultimate problem is/was, I knew that I had tried. Does it hurt? Yes. Did I explain what I needed? Yes.

You can’t make anyone change. That’s when the relationship has to take on a different role. I still love her and care about her, but I can’t live with her. She willfully denied my needs to the point that I was very unhappy. I did my best to meet her needs. It does take two. Somehow I couldn’t get the message across. But I am happier now. I have found people who return my love.

I believe the lesson I learned was valuable. I cannot make anyone happy, that is up to them to choose to be happy. I can only do my best to make their choice of happiness an easier one.

Sometimes the breakup causes the other person to notice how important it was, or how much they miss out on. If reconciliation is in order, than I am all for that. But, if behavior remains the same, then I don’t have to choose to place myself in an unsafe and unhappy circumstance.

Healing comes from: taking risks; forgiving yourself, stop beating yourself up and forgiving them because they might not know how to change or just plain not want to; knowing that we are all individuals and have a right to stand and fall by our own actions and not be condemned by someone else’s actions; learning what went right and what was wrong; opening ourselves up to others in hope that they will love us in a safe and wonderful way; not losing faith that love is out there; not expecting someone to be perfect but do expect them to put forth great effort into the relationship because relationships are hard work; and remember that not all was bad, cherish the good and learn fom the struggles.

Prayer is always good. I also pray throughout the day. God bless you on your journey. It isn’t always easy, but it is definitely worth it. You are worth it.

2. Dawn - February 10, 2010

Justin – thank you much! I’ve spent the last few days just trying to pick myself up, understand why it didn’t work, what went wrong. Are you God’s messenger? As this message was crafted especially for me. Is is as though you took my few words and read my thoughts and my soul and delivered exactly what my spirit has been seeking. Yes, I am worth it! And yes, it hurts way beyond deep, but I am a survivor. I will print your words and place them on my “Door of Hope” for I now know that He has heard me, and that I gave what I had, and gave it honestly.

I said I would never “risk” being hurt again – my heart just can’t take another failed relationship. I had lost the faith in myself and to add, my trust in God was starting to lose ground.

I will continue this journey Justin, I will continue to be a prayer warrior, I will pick my faith up, dust it off and put it back on – for God is not the author of confusion, He is love.

Thank you kind soul for staying on this journey with me…

hkirk - February 10, 2010

You are most welcome. Am I God’s messenger? Maybe. If the message I was inspired to write answered your prayers, than I am happy to have been the conduit. However, the Glory belongs to God. I felt inspired to write you that response.

I have been on an incredible journey of self-discovery, wisdom and discernment for years. These last two years have held incredible changes for me. I learned the lesson that I discussed about making people happy during this time. I still make mistakes and am continually learning the lessons that God provides. I would be most happy to walk with you on your path to full potential.

To risk being hurt is a difficult step. It takes courage, hope, strength and faith. To appreciate joy fully, one must know suffering. I think that is why God allows us our struggles, so that we can compare and appreciate that which is good over that which is not. I have learned much and so will you.

The journey takes time, practice and patience. There were times that I wondered about how I would get through some struggles, but God got me through. I now have more faith and more confidence that God will see me through these lessons, even the tough ones. I am always mindful to thank Him for the good things that happen too.

My next blog will be speak of relationships and intimacy. I will be posting it on Friday night I think. I have already written it, it is a bit lengthy, so I want to tweak it a bit if it doesn’t take away from the message. God bless you. Have faith, for God loves you and I do too. You ARE worth it! Take care, stay well and be safe.

3. Wilma Ham - February 10, 2010

Dawn, I am discovering that we have an ego self that is busy dumping and fighting in callous ways.
The ego self can talk about love but it is only talk, an ego self cannot connect with otheres, it is all about itself and feeds on upsets and drama.
Then we have a heart-centered self that loves through acceptance but struggles to be heard as the ego self is the dominant communicator and encouraged by other egos.
A great book to understand this crazy destructive ego self behavior is the latest book ‘A New Earth’ by Eckhart Tolle. He explains it very well and it really gave me a great insight in how relationships can be this way.
Love Wilma

poetiscian - February 16, 2010

Thank you Wilma. I’ve been in a slump these last couple of days; however through prayer and friends I am now seeing the light.

My ego self was doing just that – talking, talking, talking, which equates to blah, blah, blah. In my quest to connect with love, discovered that I was pushing folks away. Demanding that they see things from my perspective. I am learning to control that self-ish part of myself. Learning when she is out of order. I am also learning that I can put all of my faith eggs in one basket, for God will never fail me.

Again, thank you for stopping by, I truly hope to see and converse with you again. And I love books, so to Amazon I go. Will let you know what I discover via Tolle.

Wilma Ham - February 17, 2010

Hi Dawn
I congratulate for seeing that you were pushing people away by expecting to see things from your perspective. It is amazing how many people fail to come to this realization and wonder why they end up being lonely.
You will enjoy Eckhart Tolle’s ‘A New Earth’ and I am sure you will share a lot of his insights. His explanations are made a huge difference to me in getting a handle on all my unserving blah blah talk.
Love Wilma

poetiscian - February 17, 2010

I went a wondering through blogland. Love your words, spirit and wisdom. Not sure how you found me Wilma, but awfully glad you did. I am now connected with you on FB and RSS. I have been so incredibly blessed as I continue on my challenge to love and reading your blog inspires me even more to pursue this dare.

May I include your site on my blogroll? Also saw your womenlikeme site – New Zealand. Wow! Does this make me worldly??? (smiling)

Picked up another book by Tolle at the local library. Will start reading while I wait for the one you suggested.

Until we blog again…

Wilma Ham - February 21, 2010

Hi Dawn
Love is a very powerful energy, more than we ever have realized, so pursuing this dare is a very wise thing to do. Go dawn go.
I found you through Robin’s Naked in Eden.
I would love to be included on your blogroll.
Talk more soon … xox Wilma

4. Darentiz - February 10, 2010

I’m back and just finished reading days eleven through seventeen. Some powerful stuff has been shared. I can’t believe I missed out on these discussions. Love is definitely all things true, good and kind. When I’m struggling in my relationship, I ask myself if my actions or words are true, good or kind. If the answer is no, I pray. I pray for direction. He has never failed to guide me correctly. I’ve always known that God is GREAT and now I believe that God is GREAT. He is always working it out for us. We may not understand it but in the end we know it is true. How can our lives or our relationship be anything but GREAT when he is IN THE MIX?

hkirk - February 11, 2010

Darentiz, you said “I’ve always known that God is GREAT and now I believe that God is GREAT.”

In my opinion, that is the distinction between knowledge and wisdom. I can have knowledge but unless I truly believe it, live it and apply it, it is not wisdom. Your statement shows the movement from knowledge to wisdom. It is important that we be authentic and search ourselves for what is truly going on, because sometimes we even deceive ourselves, are in denial, or just don’t pay enough attention to notice.

I do the same thing when it comes to struggle, I look at what is it that I can do or stop doing so that I know that I am doing my best. I ask myself lots of questions. Am I frustrated with the person or does my frustration belong somewhere else, things like that.

God bless you.

poetiscian - February 16, 2010

Justin, thank you again for your fruitful words of wisdom. For God is truly awesome and He deserves all of my praise. I went to visit Darentiz this past weekend, and spent five of the best hours of my journey to discovery.

She is a wonderful friend and so are you – both my spiritual guides….

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